Raising a C Student
Redefining Success Beyond Grades
The Hidden Cost of Achievement Culture
As parents, we have a lot of competing priorities and pressures when it comes to raising our kids to be successful and able to support themselves independently someday. We're navigating a world where economic uncertainty looms large, and the path to success seems narrower than ever. We’re witnessing the first generation who are entering adulthood and more likely to be less wealthy than their parents. It's natural to push our kids towards high GPAs and prestigious colleges. We want to do what’s right to get them what they need to make it out there.
But here's where the research challenges our rationale: the laser focus on grades and performance can backfire. It has created an achievement culture that prioritizes:
- GPAs over values
- Individualism over community
- Competition over service
- Results over progress
Sound familiar? It's a culture driven by the constant question: "What can I do to get ahead?" And while it's understandable, it's also potentially harmful.
The call isn’t always coming from inside the house
Students don’t always get these messages from home, either. It can be baked into their school practices and the cultures they are a part of socially and online. It can lead them to form what psychologists call a materialistic values orientation focused on wealth, social status, self-image, and possessions. Without interference from important adults in their lives to counter that narrative, this orientation causes a whole host of toxic effects including lower levels of internal motivation and personal well-being, poor interpersonal relationships, and higher levels of debt in adulthood.
The limitations of a great GPA
Now, don't get me wrong. There's nothing inherently wrong with A's. If your child can achieve them through reasonable effort and genuine engagement, that's fantastic! But for many students – especially those who are neurodivergent or face additional challenges of racism and discrimination – the pursuit of perfect grades can lead to:
1. Perfectionism
2. Performance anxiety
3. Productivity at the cost of well-being
4. Chronic procrastination
As a learning specialist with decades of experience, I've seen firsthand how this pressure affects students. The currency of great grades without a foundation of values, purpose, and self-worth might get them into college, but tends to run out quickly once they get there.
The Arrival Fallacy: When Achievement Doesn't Equal Happiness
During my research for my book "Happy Grades," I stumbled upon a phenomenon that sheds light on a troubling trend I observed for several years: students at the peak of their academic performance experiencing increased levels of anxiety and depression. It's called the "arrival fallacy," and it explains why achieving those coveted goals – straight A's, admission to a top college, or a spot on the varsity team – often leaves our kids feeling empty and even more stressed.
Here's the crux of it: When we make everything about reaching a fixed goal, we set our children up for disappointment. They "arrive" at their destination only to find they're still the same person, complete with all their perceived flaws and imperfections. This realization can lead to:
Increased pressure to hide vulnerabilities
A gnawing sense of dissatisfaction with the present moment
A constant need to chase the next big achievement
This cycle can be exhausting and ultimately unfulfilling. It's a stark reminder that true success and the ability to flourish stem from more than external achievements.
Redefining Success: Beyond the Grade Point Average
So, what matters more than those A's?
In an interview about her book on achievement culture, journalist Jennifer Breheny Wallace offers a reassuring perspective for parents feeling the pressure to get their kids into the most competitive colleges. She emphasizes, "It is how a student goes to college, not where a student goes to college, that leads to later life success."
Research on what actually contributes to true success in college (defined as securing a good job and achieving lasting personal well-being) highlights several key factors:
Access to a positive mentor or professor who cares about your development and ignites your passion for learning
Engagement in long-term projects that build skills and nurture passion
Opportunities to participate in organizations and internships that expand your positive social and professional network
These experiences align with Wallace's most significant finding: the difference between students trapped in the achievement culture and those she calls "healthy achievers" comes down to one crucial element – mattering.
Mattering means feeling that who you are at your core, separate from your achievements, has inherent value. It's about engaging in work that contributes to others and recognizing your worth beyond your accomplishments.
The First Step to a New Definition of Success
Remember that materialistic values orientation that psychologists warn us about? One fairly easy and enjoyable way to start countering that messaging is to focus on values. We’ll get into values more in the next posts in the series. In the meantime, here are a few ways to experiment with re-orienting our focus on values that matter.
Ask what they know about values. How would they define them? Where do they see them out in the wild?
Ask them about a person they admire. What values do they seem to live up to?
Talk about your values. A time when they were tested or when they helped you through a challenge.
Take the VIA character strength online quiz and compare your values results.
If you're fortunate enough to have these, tell them the stories of their grandparents and ancestors and the values they demonstrated that are a source of strength and pride for your family.
The Most Important Factor for Your Child's Success? You.
Here's a piece of research that might surprise you: The number one factor supporting students' academic, social, and even economic growth is how well their parents take care of their own needs for social connection, health, and well-being.
So, the next time you're stressing over a D on a history test that might tank their average or yet another email from a teacher about a missed assignment, remember this: Your child benefits most when you can react with compassion rather than fear or stress. Call a friend. Lose yourself in a hobby you love. Do a small act of kindness for someone else. By fulfilling your needs for connection, health, and fulfillment, you'll be able to take a longer view of how these mistakes could be part of an inspiring success story someday.
Raising a C student doesn't mean lowering your expectations. It means broadening your definition of success to include the qualities that truly lead to a fulfilling life. Something I am excited to get into more in the next posts in this series.
Sharing what I have learned in my decades long career as a learning specialist and author who works on transforming struggling students into inspired ones helps me feel that mattering I mentioned above! Thanks for being part of that! Let’s keep this mattering party going by subscribing!
Join our community of forward-thinking and fun-loving individuals who believe in inspiring the potential of every student.
Subscribe to Seriously Playful to receive:
Insights in your inbox backed by cutting-edge research about twice a month
Actionable tips for unconventional strategies to inspire student success
Exclusive resources for empowering students
Early access to new offers and opportunities in academic coaching and inspired student support
By subscribing to Seriously Playful, you'll be at the forefront of a movement that's reimagining academic success. Together, we can transform lives and inspire the next generation of learners.
Seriously Playful: Where joy meets research to inspire student success.