Raising a C Student - Part 3
The Power of Compassion for Student Success
Welcome to the final installment of our "Raising a C Student" series. If you've been following along, you know we've already explored creativity and connection as alternatives to focusing on achievement and grades to support our students and kids in part 1 and 2 of this series. Today, we're diving into the third and perhaps most crucial C: compassion.
I delayed writing this post for a week because, in the wake of another school shooting, I doubted that compassion was enough. It just seemed way too small and soft to stand up to the hard and sharp pain of violence we keep witnessing. But, I as I returned to the research on compassion, I remembered how critical it is as a source of strength and felt encouraged to share it as a topic worthy of our time and attention.
Compassion: Not Just a Nice-to-Have
You see, compassion isn't always like a soft hug. Compassion is not about being nice or tolerating harm. Real compassion can be fierce. Sometimes, it doesn’t feel like a comfy place to rest. True compassion says things like, “We don’t talk like that in this house.” “It’s time for a change around here.” Those are stances that parents and educators are very familiar with. It's about setting boundaries when we know our loved ones should expect more from and for themselves, challenging the status quo, and believing we deserve better.
So why focus on compassion over achievement for our students? Because it works. Research shows that students perform better when their parents value kindness over high grades.1 As you’ll see below, kindness is one of the main components of compassion.
The Three Pillars of Compassion
Dr. Kristen Neff, a leading researcher in this field, breaks compassion down into three parts2:
1.Mindfulness: This isn't only about meditation (but that works really well, too). It's about witnessing thoughts and feelings in the present moment without judgment. For our kids, it means acknowledging their struggles without immediately trying to fix them. This helps us and our kids process emotions that cause suffering with more ease and resilience.
Oh, how I would love to place a juicy piece of convincing research that connects mindfulness to student academic performance right here. But, the truth is that I can’t find conclusive enough evidence linking mindfulness programs in schools to improved academic performance.3 Mindfulness programs are difficult to measure because there is so much variability in their objectives and methods. Also, mindfulness programs in schools aren’t equipped to transform systemic, structural barriers to learning like inequity, economic disparity, and limited resources to address clinical anxiety and depression. But, there's promising data on its impact on student well-being and stress reduction. Perhaps even more importantly, mindfulness programs for teachers have shown significant benefits for teacher stress and burnout.4 Compassion-based mindfulness programs for teachers have resulted in lower burnout rates, better classroom management, and stronger student-teacher relationships.
2. Common Humanity: When my daughter complains about a headache and I know she isn’t truly sick, I have an infuriating tendency to rattle off a list of remedies: it’s too much screen time, go outside! Drink more water! Take a nap! Honestly? I just want to fix it because her discomfort makes me uncomfortable. Unfortunately, this just results in more frustration because she doesn't feel understood. If I try empathy instead, “Oof. I had a bad headache last week. I know that sucks," it often transforms the complaining into a moment of connection that we can move on from quicker.
It's amazing how connection can ease suffering. This approach is rooted in the Buddhist concept that acknowledging suffering is the key to liberation from it. When we witness our children’s pain - and our own - without rushing to fix it, we're teaching them a valuable lesson: they're not alone in their struggles. This shared experience of humanity can be incredibly comforting and can help us process difficult emotions more efficiently. To suffer only means that you are a human. Without allowing for the full humanity of our experience, efforts to reach success will feel hollow and difficult to sustain, or worse cause more suffering for ourselves or others.
3. Kindness: This one's tricky because we're wired to be kind to others, but not always to ourselves. Our brains more easily send us feel-good chemicals when we are kind to someone else, but it’s a lot more stingy with chemicals like dopamine and serotonin when it comes to turning that kindness back on ourselves. But we are so much better equipped to be kind to others when we are kind to ourselves first. Teaching our kids self-compassion is as important as teaching them to be kind to others. And the best way to do that is to start with ourselves. Dr. Neff introduces the concept of "radical self-compassion" – it's about how kindly we talk to ourselves when we inevitably mess up. Most of us default to harsh self-criticism, thinking it'll prevent future mistakes. But that's coming from a deep fear-based part of our brain that hasn’t caught up to the fact that we’re no longer living in the wilderness. In our modern world, self-kindness is far more effective because it strengthens our resilience, calm under pressure, and ability to see more possibilities when facing challenges. It might feel unnatural at first (hence "radical"), but it's a skill worth cultivating in ourselves and our kids.
Why This Matters Now More Than Ever
In a world where we are all processing the trauma of violence in our communities and globally, compassion might seem trivial. But it's more crucial than ever. Compassion builds resilience, emotional regulation, and meaningful connections – all things our kids desperately need to navigate through the uncertainty and challenges of our times.
From Theory to Practice
So what does practicing compassion look like in daily life? Here are a few ideas:
Practice mindfulness yourself. Check out the resources below to learn about ways you can integrate it in a way that fits into your unique circumstances.
Respond to your child's complaints by taking a breath and giving empathy a try before advice.
Apply loads of self-compassion. Talk kindly to yourself when you make mistakes. Talk to yourself like you would a small child you love. Go a little heavier on the kindness to yourself than feels “normal.”
Centering compassion rather than achievement or action can feel counter-cultural. Check out the resources to find others who can normalize and strengthen your resolve to practice it:
It’s not an either/or choice
Here's the thing: we don't have to choose between achievement and well-being. They're not mutually exclusive. Focusing on compassion can lead to better academic performance in the long run, but doesn’t have to replace direct instruction and action towards goals.
Dr. Neff's concept of "fierce self-compassion" reminds us that compassion isn't just about tenderness – it's also about bravely standing up for ourselves and others. It's about creating more loving and just spaces for learning and growth.
If you're intrigued and want to learn more about practical strategies for fostering compassion and healthy achievement, check out my award-winning book for students and the accompanying parent-educator guide below:
It’s safe – even beneficial – to focus on these "soft skills." By nurturing compassion, we're not just raising good students; we're raising good humans. And in my book, that's the ultimate achievement.
Adelphi Psych Medicine Clinic. (2018, August 20). Pressure for high grades: The damage parents could be causing kids | Adelphi Psych Med. https://adelphipsych.sg/the-damage-parents-could-be-doing-by-pressuring-kids-to-get-high-grades/
Self-Compassion. (2024, August 20). Exploring the meaning of Self-Compassion and its importance. https://self-compassion.org/what-is-self-compassion/
Hewitt, J., & Sachdeva, N. (2023, November 13). Do school-based mindfulness programs reduce mental health problems? The Science of Learning. https://scienceoflearning.substack.com/i/138708070/highlights
Can mindfulness help stressed teachers stay in the classroom? (2019, March 28). PBS News. https://www.pbs.org/newshour/education/can-mindfulness-help-stressed-teachers-stay-in-the-classroom